Ch.12, Pt. 4: You’re not getting younger.
You’re not getting younger. Life’s passing you by. You missed your chance at having children.”
Katherine grew hot and felt a faint ringing in her ears.
“You’re obviously not going to marry for money –”
Katherine shook her head in agreement. Of course not.
“– not beautiful, overweight, too old –”
She felt a sharp pain as if a long needle were entering her solar plexus. He means it that way, she was stunned to realize. Instead of that I’m not the kind to marry for money because it’s wrong.
“You probably won’t even have the chance to marry anyone else, either. There aren’t that many options left for you, you know.”
Paper cuts. Painful little slashes.
“So I’m really the best thing that’s happened to you in a very long time. If I were you, I’d start appreciating what you have. Sorry to say this, honey, but you’ve got to grow up, smarten up, and recognize what’s staring you in the face.”
Katherine looked at him blankly. He tapped the paper. “Now sign and we can get on with our life. We can live together, be happy, and forget all about this conversation.”
Numb, Katherine picked up the pen and studied the paper. Her mind took in nothing. The words swam. She felt as if she were bleeding from a thousand scratches. But he was right. He was her best chance at happiness. And here he was, urging her to take the next step. To sell her house in order to move in together. How many men had she ever met who wanted to push the relationship further than she did? Maybe this is how it’s done. You take a chance, you say yes to a new opportunity, to something outside of work, so that work is no longer the centre of your whole life. Maybe this is how people marry in the real world.
She looked around the kitchen, at Noodle lying on a mat by the door. She heard the ticking of a clock. Rick seemed to be holding his breath. But it felt as if she were about to sign away the rest of her life.
“I just can’t do it,” she said.
Rick exhaled and put his head on his fist.
“I expect that you’re right about what you said about me,” she said softly. “I am too old and fat to attract men.” She tried to keep her voice from quavering. “At least men as handsome and successful as you. I can see that now.” She was gaining strength. There was so much to lose, but she was going to hang onto the best. “But I’ve made a life for myself here, and I like it. I’m willing to share my life with you, even my house. But I didn’t buy this house as an investment. I don’t want to subdivide my land and put up monster homes. Even if the money’s great. I moved out here to the country because I want to live in the country. I love my stable — barn as you call it. I don’t want it torn down. And my bit of the woods? It’s not going to be cut. For someone’s suburban dream? My land is going to remain country. I don’t care if you build highrise apartment buildings all around me. This property is staying country.”
“You know what that means, don’t you.” Rick sounded tired. “If you don’t come in on this deal, it’s over between us.”
She couldn’t feel any more pain than he had already inflicted. She felt energetic and strong. Even reckless. “I’m sorry to hear that. But if I come in on this deal, I won’t be happy living the way you want to.”
Rick was silent a moment. “I guess that’s it, then.” He got up.
Suddenly Katherine was filled with longing for him. “Why does it have to be this way?” she cried, grabbing his arm. “Just forget about that development. We were so happy before. We can still live here together. You like this house. Look at the beautiful work you’ve done! It’s all yours. There’ll be other ways of making some money. We don’t even need all that much. If we live together, we’ll have twice as much as we do now, because we’ll have half the expenses! And maybe, in a few years, if you still want to build a house –”
Rick shook off her hand. “I already told you why that’s ridiculous. You still don’t get it, do you? It’s now or never. And you choose never. Fine. But don’t think you can drag me down with you. I’m going for it. It’s my big break. Too bad you’re too stupid and sentimental to see that it was yours, too.” As he strode to the door, Noodle scrambled out of his way. Rick turned and looked at her. “I don’t want to hear from you until you’ve signed that paper.” Then he was gone.
And here was Blaine, looking at her as he sipped his sherry and munched his crackers, apparently keen to become involved with her. She sighed. Why does it never seem to work out with the person you want? Even Blaine, married for about 23 years, and then it’s over.
Moving on from being turned down by her, Blaine was getting down to business about the fundraising launch. He was talking about starting off with high energy and excitement, but Katherine was having trouble paying attention. Always, the scenes of Rick replaying in her mind. Disjointed, out of order, so that she was no longer sure what had been said when. And always new thoughts of what might have been said to change things.
Even now, as Blaine showed her charts and graphs, she was imagining Rick’s change of heart. Something would happen to save things. He would realize his mistake, forget about this wild real estate scheme, and ask for things to go back to normal. Fantasies, she acknowledged, and sank into a well of gloom where she couldn’t hear Blaine any more. His lips were moving, his fat finger was pointing at figures, digging in the wicker basket for goldfish, and she nodded and smiled, but she was caught by pain. Realistically, there was no happy option. If she kept the stone house, she would lose Rick. To save her relationship, she would have to give up her whole new way of life. And no matter which she did, her rural property would end up surrounded by subdivision development. She wanted to get under the bed covers and hide.