CHAPTER 13: Part 1: Katherine opened her eyes.
Katherine opened her eyes. It was still dark out and yet she was awake. Not the kind of awake before sinking back into blissful sleep, or the barely-awake of stumbling sleepily to the bathroom, and certainly not the sensual awake of turning to the inviting body sharing the bed. Katherine was wide awake, ready to start the day, but the clock radio read 3:48. She groaned. She could hardly get up at this hour. And do what? Sit alone in the kitchen? Watch TV? Listen to some CDs? She was dead awake in the dead of night with two more hours to endure before she felt she could reasonably get up.
Noodle was a dark, warm lump curled on the foot of the bed, sleeping peacefully, and Katherine envied him. A simple life. Happy, content with simple pleasures. She had felt that way before Rick. With Rick, things had been wonderful. She had been taken outside of herself. There was someone involved in her life, in her decisions. She had felt opened up to the outside world, as she did when doing her interviews. The feeling was large, exciting and in touch with life. Now, she felt worse off than before Rick. If he had added something to her life, why did it now feel as if he had taken more away from her life? Why didn’t she just feel the way she had felt before she knew him?
“It’s not back to zero, it’s negative,” she said aloud. Noodle squawked at the disturbance. She lay in the dark, feeling lost in the huge empty bed. Beside her stretched the vast expanse of linen that used to be Rick’s space. Her body felt heavy and exhausted. Eventually she would have to get out of bed, put on some clothing that made her look presentable, drive to work without smashing the car, and act bright and curious and interested in people and their ideas. Instead, she just wanted to die, or sleep without dreaming. Yet even dreamless sleep gave no rest, no refreshment. She lifted a dead-weight arm and turned on the bedside lamp. Noodle exhaled in disgust and hopped off the bed, lying down heavily against the wall, his head turned away on his paws.
She stuck her legs out of the bed, groped for her slippers with her feet and hauled herself up. She went to the bathroom. The toilet seat was cold and hard. She used up the last of the roll of toilet paper. Her mouth tasted of mud and fur. She hadn’t brushed her teeth last night. She put some toothpaste on her brush and slowly stroked her teeth as she wandered into the guest room. Suds filled her mouth as she stared at the shadowy furniture. She returned to the sink to rinse her mouth, but still didn’t feel like going back to bed. She headed downstairs. Noodle padded behind her. She didn’t turn on any lights, but wandered around the first floor, looking out the windows. It was a clear night, with stars dotting the sky. The world looked fast asleep.
She got a glass of water. She was so empty. And tired of being empty. And sick of feeling tired. But it was a change from feeling numb. And better than the stabs and slashes she had felt before.
She sat in the dark kitchen and stared at the shadows until she started to feel cold. Noodle came up to her once, putting his nose on her lap, but she didn’t notice. When her feet began to feel like ice and she started to shiver, she forced herself back upstairs into bed.
She covered herself although she really didn’t care that she was cold. It was just a different sort of numbness. She rolled over on the pillow and stared at the dark square of the window. Nothing to see. Nothing in front of her. Nothing to look forward to . Day after day, the same dullness. Nothing. Empty.
A thought began drilling into her mind. She waited for it, tried to catch it. How could Rick want to destroy all this land, this countryside? He knew so much about the plants and animals. He loved to walk the fields. The first time she met him, he had come from the fields and woods.
Another thought followed relentlessly. He had gotten involved with her purely to get her land into the development for free. He didn’t love her at all. It was all only business. Saliva flooded her mouth as it often did just before she had to vomit. She swallowed hard.
But no. His plans included her. He wanted to live with her. She could still get him to change his mind. He would miss her too much. He would realize that he wants to stay in the stone house in the country. It wasn’t over between them. “Don’t be naïve, Kate,” he had raged, and she had felt hope in hearing his nickname for her. “You don’t think that all this land will stay the way it is forever? So close to Toronto? Honey, someone’s going to develop it and get rich. Might as well be us.” He did still love her, want to be with her, live with her. Even the last thing he had said to her offered hope. “I don’t want to hear from you until you’ve signed that paper.” Meant he did want to hear from her when she signed. A short step to wanting to hear from her, no matter what. He would change his mind. Wouldn’t he?
Yet there was another hard thought coming. She concentrated on clearing the black fog in her mind. Why then did he never want her to meet his sons? The old pain throbbed on top of the new sharp wounds. That may have been an early sign. She didn’t seem to fear any more, and followed her twisting and turning thoughts to the end.
If he still didn’t want her to meet his sons. If he wanted to live together first. If he didn’t want to marry her. If she sells the stone house. If they move into the new house on the kame. If they then break up. If he leaves her. The dead cold reality was that Katherine would be left with no one and nothing she loved. Suddenly she felt dead tired, turned her head and slept.