Ch.15, Pt.6: The smell in the air was somehow exciting…
The smell in the air was somehow exciting Saturday morning as Katherine stood in her front yard. Garden, I can call it now, she thought. She was ready to do some gardening in her garden. Upkeep, as Clara called it. Clara had talked to Katherine about weeding and cultivation and aeration. Katherine had her gloves and rubber boots on and was set to get to work.
But the fragrance! What was it that made her inhale deeply and feel a tingling through her body? Even Noodle seemed to behave differently, scampering around the yard, tail held high and wagging. But Katherine wasn’t sure of what to do, where to begin. She felt self-conscious and stupid, glad that no neighbours could see her standing there, feeling foolish. Weeding and cultivation and aeration, she thought again.
The beds that Clara and the kids had worked on were looking pretty good, she thought. Except – is that a dandelion? she wondered, peering more closely. Uh-oh. It is. Needs to come out. Katherine looked around and realized that her few garden tools were in the stable. Hand shovel, big shovel, rake – better just bring everything, she thought as she walked back. Noodle darted in front of her and trotted ahead, his ears alert and pointed forward. A flock of small birds flew up from some bushes as they approached.
Flinging open the stable door, she was overwhelmed by a sense of Rick – Rick in the dark, handsome and loving, leaning his long body over her, making her feel so warm and relaxed – that she grabbed at the stable door frame for support. Rick the lover, firewood provider, handyman, gift giver, companion. Rick the way she wanted him to be.
She exhaled slowly and the vision – illusion – impression – whatever it was – faded. She was left with a pain, as if something had been ripped out of her. Sighing, she straightened up, moved inside and fumbled for the tools, dumping them noisily into the wheelbarrow. Noodle shied away from the sudden clatter and Katherine grinned. “Haven’t heard that sound much before, have you? Shows you that we’re not yet really gardeners.”
She trundled the wheelbarrow to the front of the house and set to work. As she dug and strained with clods of soil, Noodle wandered around, investigating his own mysteries. The sun poked through the tender leaves of the trees, warming her back. A pile of weeds and stray grass slowly grew beside her. It felt good to be outside, to be working with her body, letting her mind relax and drift. She wondered if Lawrence liked to garden. Why didn’t she know that of him? Did Rick like it? She had never discussed it with him. They had always been busy with other things, like working on the house. Katherine felt another pang of grief as she realized that some work remained unfinished. What was she going to do with the spare front parlour? She remembered camping out on the floor there with Rick one night. It had been so good. Why had Rick ruined everything?
Noodle barked just then, and Katherine saw him spinning around, snapping at something in the air around his head. A final lunge seemed to satisfy him, and he sat back and scratched an ear. Katherine smiled and returned to her work. That dog is still a puppy, she thought. Although not nearly as much of a baby as a few months ago. When every peepee and bowel movement had to be paid attention, was a vital sign of his health and survival. And even whether I was doing a good job of looking after him. Thank goodness he’s completely housebroken now. The baby’s starting to grow up.
A breeze rustled some tender branches and Katherine raised her head. Her face felt damp and the fresh air was soothing. She brushed back the hair from her forehead with the back of her wrist. Rick would occasionally do that when embracing her, and Katherine’s spirits dove. He’d never do that again. Would anyone? Or had he been the last lover she would ever have in her life? What a terrible thought. Had she already reached that age, when there are no more lovers to be had? She tried to imagine Lawrence touching her tenderly. Instead, Blaine’s face popped into her mind, his eyes gazing tenderly at her, his lips fleshy and wet, homing in on her. “Ugh,” she shuddered.
Noodle trotted over and cautiously put his nose where she had been digging. Then he sat back and looked at her, tilting his head to one side. Katherine laughed. “No, it was nothing there. It was all in my mind.” She removed a glove and ruffled Noodle’s fur. “Just my horrible imagination.” Noodle’s ears flattened, his mouth opened to show his teeth, and he crouched down on his front legs. “What are you grinning at?” Katherine asked. In a flash, Noodle leaped to the side and across the lawn.
I bet Lawrence would like to garden, Katherine thought. He seems that kind of person. I can see it. We’d spend weekend days in the garden, stopping around 5:00 for cocktails. How lovely and civilized. We’d sit back in teak lawn chairs, admiring our work. I’ll have to ask him out one afternoon, she decided. Suddenly Noodle was back beside her, this time with a short stick in his mouth. When she looked at him, his tail thumped the ground. “What have you got there?” His tail thumped harder. “Is that a stick?” His ears flattened again. “You want to play, do you? Want me to throw it?” She held out her hand, and cautiously, Noodle let go of the stick. Katherine tossed it away, and Noodle tore after it.
A feeling of tenderness washed through her as she watched Noodle. He really has grown up, she realized. He’s not nearly the focus of all my attention as he used to be. He had been the cutest puppy, a ball of black fluff, but now he’s not my baby any more, she thought. The baby I never had.
He pranced toward her, his tail high, his head shaking from side to side, the picture of pride. What happened? she wondered. He had been my whole concern when he was little. Then suddenly he wasn’t so important any more. Rick was. Really. I dumped Noodle once I started up with Rick. Guess that’s normal. Still…guilt welled up in her and she reached out to gather Noodle to her in a hug. But he backed away, crouching and wagging his tail, clearly wanting play more than affection.
“I just want a cuddle,” she told him. He shook the stick and put one paw on an end. “Won’t give me some loving when I want it, eh?” Because I’m not getting it from anyone else, she realized. Did I use Noodle to fill a gap in my life until Rick appeared? And now that he’s gone, Noodle can be my baby again? She started stabbing the earth with her trowel. I look to my dog to make me feel better when I’m lonely. Is that weird? Or normal?
Ch.15, Pt.7: Katherine was the first one to work that morning. » »